Lolitamp (lolitamp) wrote in killmequickly,

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I can already feel myself break.
I didn't get to see Rob today. His lesson ran over and he just didn't have the time.
His phone died. He never called to tell me he wasn't coming.
I thought if I napped, when I woke up he'd call, and I'd hear his reason, and everthing would be just fine.
I woke up and talked to him for a few minutes. Even though I love and forgive him... in the end I felt worse.
Maybe I'm just finally realising that i'm not meant to be with anyone.
I'm so fucked up how could anyone love me?
I'm kidding myself, I really am. My whole life has been god's sick joke.
I lay in a comatose state for about an hour today.
Just layed and cried and stared into the empty void that is my life.
My mom sat next to me the whole time waiting for me to snap out.
As you can tell I have, though not fully.
First thing I did was shower. I collapsed to the floor and envisioned my blood and the water mixing together and swirling down drain.
I watched the blood pour down my arms and drop into the water.
It was beautiful.
I wanted to, I really did.
I wanted to make them so deep that the blood would just rush out. It wasn't enough to think about it... I i wanted to see it.
I want to know I'm alive. I need to see that I can still bleed.
No one will see my vision though. They just can't see the beauty of it all.
I don't think I could ever kill myself, don't worry.
How many people will believe that though?
My sanity is slipping away fast... I don't know who I am anymore... Did I ever though?
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